(This is a satirical dating profile from my book, Fake Personal Ads (Or Real Personal Ads for Fake People).)
WOMEN SEEKING MEN
You Will Love Me Because I am Beautiful
You silly boy, first, do not even pretend that you will not fall in love with me once you lay eyes on my supreme beauty, or that you will not stay in love with me for no other reason except that I am the world’s consensus most beautiful woman. Second, please do not fool yourself into thinking that you will love me for my other, less physical, attributes – common attributes that, let’s call a spade a spade, I share with millions of other, albeit less attractive ladies. You will love me for one reason and one reason only, because I am beautiful, period.
True, I have slightly above average intelligence but you could find an entire continent full of gals just as smart, if not smarter, many of whom read entire books not written by Cindy Crawford, or who make a living pouring over complex Excel spreadsheets in search of, and then locating, the fraud in a Collateralized Debt Obligation. You could walk into any Barnes and Noble and strike up a conversation with a chunky girl with frizzy hair and thick glasses and even thicker ankles seated in the café perusing the latest work from Fareed Zakaria, but that will never happen. You are a phony who only says he wants a smart woman, or, more fraudulent, that you love me for my own erudition when the fact is that, come on, the last book I read was a self-help book, in large print, called The Woes of a Beautiful Woman: Psych!
My favorite one will be hearing you say that you love me because I have a big heart, that I am a nice person. This based on what evidence? I will never be on time when meeting you at restaurant, thereby making you look like a total chump as you sit there checking your phone and reassuring the waiter that your date will show up, really, and, what is more, she, ME, is an eleven on the scale of one to ten; meanwhile other men in the place will be accorded respect and the promise of a great blowjob by their promptly seated level-six ladies. Yeah, you got that right, I will never GIVE you head, never, mister – not very generous, I know, but that’s not why you will love me. Do nice people prattle on and on about themselves, never listening to the words of other people, unless those words involve praising me for my beauty? But I am outrageously beautiful, remember, and so you will convince yourself that I am the sweetest girl on Earth, you idiot.
I will torture you as I flirt with gorgeous men at parties while you stay mute knowing full well that I can, and will, dump you in a second — and there will go your bragging rights to having so hot a girlfriend. You will go into debt buying me things that I will only discard in a week. You will do my laundry, change my oil, cook me elaborate meals, and make sure my laptop gets free Wi-Fi. In turn, I will do absolutely nothing for you except taunt you for being insecure, stupid and out of shape.
And still you will love ME…because I am beautiful.
(To learn more about my book, Fake Personal Ads, or my three other books and two screenplays, visit my website: http://www.authorjamesfjohnson.com )